AUGUST ANGST

 Each month I write words from the heart.

Some blog posts are less than stellar and others surprise me.

I continue the discipline of writing whether I feel ‘good’ or not.

This month, after ten years of blogging throughout each year, I could not enter my blog site. 

To my amazement the name for the blog I’d used for a decade, “Linger longer with Gail,” ‘was not mine’ according to Google.  

Frustration.

I entered data and came up empty.

I entered different data and still came up empty. 

No phone number to call. 

Nothing but five questions I could ‘check’.

Not even “Do you need help?”

I push buttons here and there.

I enter one e-address after another.

I verify my existence.

Finally, when all else fails, I call out to God: 

    “Help me with a creative solution!”

Eventually I return to familiar territory and my blog site appears. I immediately ‘saved’ it as a “bookmark.”

When in doubt, shout out . . . to God!  

Why do I forget so often?

Once in awhile my life is like my blog search.

It gets annoying.

I have been through many life challenges and I have not only survived but I continue to THRIVE.

Annoyances are simply part of life.

So why do I get so irritated?  

Why so much angst?

Sometimes my ‘goals’ get in the way of serendipity.

I have my ‘list.’

When I cannot complete my ‘list’ within a certain time, I forget to   b r e a t h e.

Summers are my delight.

I linger in my garden for hours seeking out one more weed I missed.

I loose all sense of time.

My only goal is to ENJOY the moment.

Keeping this balance of breathing in the garden and accomplishing my ‘list’ is not easy.

The LIST usually gets in the way.

I am totally blessed with a slow-moving hubby who lingers long each morning.

This ‘morning time’ allows me to read, meditate, study and journal on my own.

I relish these moments with God.

Hubby . . . and God . . . are teaching me that ‘roadblocks’ are part of our life as we age.

In addition to my own time with God my precious partner in life and I linger over a ‘second breakfast’ as we share a few quiet moments reading a special set of morning meditations together . . . and then we move on to our own lists of daily details.

We both set goals and share our daily ‘agendas’ with each other.

    We love to shop at the farmer’s market filled with fresh produce.

    We make lists for the few times each month we shop at the major markets.

    We make time for each other but it’s usually on the list: 

eat and walk, shop and eat, fix and eat, eat and clean.  

Hubby always has food on his mind.  

Yet, he consumes just enough to maintain his slim physique. 

Our life sounds so calculated.

It is!!

We have plenty of interruptions when people pop over for a visit or when we visit others.

But we both return to our ‘lists.’

I’ve mapped out my life. 

Since my college years I’ve known exactly what I want to accomplish. 

I set goals . .  some small . . . some enormous . . . all do-able with time and patience.

Each goal is within the range of my abilities.

Financially I have made decisions to ‘go without’ in order to save enough to achieve some goals.

Other goals are logistically challenging but well within my ability to accomplish in time.

Many goals have involved investments which are now paying off big time.

We are sooooo blessed.

Fifty-plus years later I am still setting goals within a viable range of completion.

Although Hubby’s goals are different than mine, we seem to blend our desires well and have embraced blessings too numerous to count.

We married late so we explored much of the world by ourselves before we met.

I’m glad of that.  

Hubby is slowing down and is content to remain home or take a ‘day trip’ and call it a ‘grand adventure’. 

I need to ‘recalculate’ my desires, let go of my angst and take quiet moments in stride.

Once in awhile I dream of spending a month on a freighter exploring distant ports.  I only need food and a private space to read and write when at sea.  

Our goals have changed as we age.  

Just as the weeds in my garden seem determined to grow at the base of a delicate plant, my weeds of angst pop up in the midst of wonder-filled days.

I get snarly.

It takes me time to realize I need movement.

I need a break in my routine.  

I need to forget the ‘list.’

This summer my goals entail hours of reading and writing each day.

I LOVE what I’m doing but there is plenty of life outside our home.

I love to embrace special moments.

Hubby and I remind each other that family and friends are just as important as our lists. Yet, they are also busy with the mundane, the comfortable and their daily routine.

Perhaps we are a generation who sets ‘agendas’, maintains lists, and has implemented comfortable daily routines.

When I get snarly I know it’s time for me to digress a bit.

We take time to linger over a long lunch with friends and family. We gather at the large table on the porch stuff ourselves with fine food, laugh and chat endlessly.  Then it’s time for us to part. . .  and return to our routines.

Over the decades we have explored new places and encountered adventures beyond our wildest dreams.  

If I made a list of all my adventures and blessings I would need many notebooks. . . . which I have already filled.

Spending hours at home may cause me angst once in awhile but it is very welcome as we enter our ‘senior’ years. 

My exploration will never cease.  

It has simply changed.

After three lazy months of summer I forget the frenetic pace I must keep during the half year we are in another location. 

Winter months I work ‘part time’ 

Weeks are filled with deadlines, high expectations and few moments to read for pleasure   

Sometimes I am needed at a moment’s notice. 

We have to shift gears throughout each day.  

We have to put on our lists, “Take time to b r e a t h e.’.

So why do I feel angst with silly blog challenges when I have so much time to linger alone or  drink in summer delights with hubby?  

Perhaps life is just too good.

It’s time to embrace serendipity . . . linger . . . 

B R E A T H E.

“Thank you, Lord, for untamed moments, for the summer serendipity, for the desire to walk Your path with all its twists and turns and forked roads.”

May my ‘Angst’ turn into Alleluias!

I am blessed!

 [Note: After writing my first draft of this blog I weeded my garden.  BLISS! Two hours later my attitude is better and my soul is full of thanksgiving.  Prayer, soul searching and fresh air turned my Angst into Alleluias.]