August is a crazy month where we live.
We’ve transitioned from July dry heat to cooler nights with a bit more moisture. The extremely deficient summer rains have finally drenched my thirsty garden.
For me, August is a time to think about the close of summer lingering as I prepare for another season of leading and teaching.
Along with transition comes Angst.
Do I have to exchange my flip-flops for real shoes?
Do I dig out another layer of clothing for those cool nights?
Does my lazy lingering on the porch seem less frequent?
It seems silly to get bent out of shape when anticipating transition but changing from the free flowing unscripted months of summer into a more structured season of learning and growing does cause me some angst.
Summer is a time to dig in the earth and watch bees make honey.
It’s a time to linger on the porch and stare out at the bird house as mama and papa birds feed their young.
It’s a time to move little, enjoy a good book, embrace tranquility and unload any burdens I place on my shoulders regarding schedules.
Schedules.
That’s where the Angst begins.
Suddenly I am ‘scheduled’.
More meetings and classes.
More expectations that I put upon myself.
Every year it’s the same.
Why do I stress over structure that I relish?
Why do I get bent out of shape with false expectations for myself?
Why do I care to even continue with curriculums and creating new experiences for others?
A flood of details seem to swim past me as I try to catch a glimpse of order in the chaos of my crazy, out-of-the-box mental processing.
I tend to think in circles instead of straight lines.
In fact, when I take notes I rarely write in a straight line.
My mind digresses so I add a circle of words here and there or I turn the page sideways to write in the margin.
I end up with scribbles that others couldn’t possibly understand.
That’s why I tend to create rules for myself.
A rule, just like a ‘ruler,’ can create a straight edge to help my mind think in straight lines.
A set pattern, like a mathematical formula, can keep me on track.
I can memorize a pattern, an order of thinking, and remain focused.
Easier said than done.
When I am given the opportunity to shape a new curriculum I can feel the heavy burden of perfection.
I’m weighed down with my own expectations to perform flawlessly.
Needless to say, most of what I accomplish rarely has anything to do with me.
My soul tends to give my mind’s tangled threads of creativity to God in prayer.
I mull over what I ought to do far longer than actually setting out to accomplish each task.
Because of the ‘mulling’ I have a choice.
I can let my creative solutions fall into place gradually or I can grab them in mid-air, when they are not yet complete, and carry needless Angst on my shoulders.
It’s like grabbing a half-baked loaf of bread from the oven and wanting the cool air to complete the finished product.
Yet, waiting for those creative solutions to fall naturally into place is a bit of a risk.
What if my half-baked ideas never get done?
What if the deadline for completion of my list of tasks is at hand?
What have I done before?
I have had plenty of practice with this conundrum throughout my very long life.
As usual, I wait until I am out of time.
I feel myself getting all twisted inside.
When I am firmly bent into the most uncomfortable shape I finally release it all back to God.
How crazy is that!
You think I would learn not to repeat this maze of angst I’ve endured over the decades.
The only solution I know is to keep tossing it back to the Lord every time I choose to capture un-processed prayers.
One cannot talk to God without taking time . . .
lots of time . . .
too much time, in my opinion, . . .
to listen.
When I read the healing scriptures I am reminded that most of the healing, or returning to wholeness, began with each person seeking help from the healing hand of Jesus.
One word or a touch from Jess and the person is made whole.
If I take the time to sit quietly, remember the stories and articulate my needs to the Lord, I will have the answers.
One word of scripture.
One touch of the Holy Spirit.
Waiting a little longer than I anticipate.
That’s all it takes.
If I do this daily, the artificial weight I carry on my shoulders will dissipate.
IF
I choose to turn ‘if’ into ‘when.’
I choose to make a new rule of life.
I choose to create . . . and memorize . . . a new life pattern.
I choose to unload my ‘angst’ daily to the Lord, thy God.
I choose to wait, to linger in God’s holiness a little longer each day.
I choose to embrace every daily, weekly, monthly transition as an opportunity to meet with my Lord,
to un-bend,
to let go,
to breathe deep the wholeness the Holy Spirit chooses to give to me.
“Come Holy Spirit.
Fill my heart as your faith-filled one.
Kindle in my heart and soul the fire of your love, your healing touch, your spirit of wholeness.
Renew my soul.
Renew my body.
Renew my life perspective each time I am called to transition into a new space You have laid out for me.
As St. Augustine said, “"O Holy Spirit, descend plentifully into my heart. Enlighten the dark corners of this neglected dwelling and scatter there Thy cheerful beams.”
No more need for August Angst.
We have God’s healing hand to quell our spirit and make us whole.
